It’s hard to piece together life these days. The clouds that the holidays cast might be floating away, but there are still storms passing through my days. A friend noted that the holiday hangover is hard and I can attest that the grief version feels particularly potent.
And even if I avoid looking at it, there are dark cloud formations on the horizon. I promised myself I wouldn’t do the math to find the day, but we have been without Han as long as we had Han. I feel my body aging and changing. It’s hard not to look too hard at what that means for the future. I can sense barriers being put up ahead of us, but they’re not real yet and I’m trying not to give them more daylight than they deserve. And I’m having to ask myself to practice patience, not a strength of mine. Waiting to find out if I got an interview for the job I applied for in Japan which will kick off a series of events that will also ultimately mean waiting until we finally depart this summer.
Time these days is very unstructured in my world. I’m not working, I’m not parenting, and I’m not spending long in one place. We’re currently in Colorado for a yet to be determined amount of time. We spent the better part of the last two months in Houston which was challenging - it’s a safe space with people we love and the remnants of the life that we used to have with Han. I find it easy to be a bit paralyzed by everything when I’m home. I like to think of myself as someone who thrives with a lack of structure, but with age I have started to appreciate the support that routine offers.Â
Early on in our time in Houston, I decided to try to compose a perfect week. A sequence that might help me be the very best version of myself that I can be. A prescription for mental and physical, health and wellness. I made a color coded spreadsheet of a structured dream week.
I never lived this week. :) There were weeks where I made it to the library a couple times, several mornings where I did chair yoga with my mom and my aunt during Thanksgiving, and fun times out with Mike. I had long stretches where I put my phone down and opted to read before going to bed. Once I had my bike, I did nice joy rides around the neighborhood or bike around running errands. Maybe this week was never a reality, but in the moments where I felt the darkness start to creep in I could think about what I might have been doing during my dream week and try to be that version of myself.Â
On the road, I don’t have this much structure. What is the formula that keeps me well when I’m traveling? I see friends and go places. I spend more of my hours socializing and resting than anything else. It’s nice! I try to keep walking. Mike and I are committed to 15 minute post dinner walks. Avoid dairy, drink enough water, take time to rest, spend time outside, and find ways to connect with Han without breaking my heart. Maybe I’ll try not to eat so much sugar, but I should at least try to not let it be the first thing that I put into my mouth. A warm cup of coffee on a cold morning is a special joy that I don’t often get to experience in Houston. Good weeks look different.
A Good Week feels like A Good Start to rediscovering what I hope can be a good life.
