How do I want my brain to feel?

Reconnecting with old parts of myself, uncovering new skills, and letting sore spots be what they are in Japan.

It feels trite to talk about self-discovery because we’re all on that journey, right? Some seasons are more introspective than others, others are about action, and sometimes the moment demands resilience. Lately, I feel like I’m in a moment that simultaneously asks for it all. My mind is still early in reprogramming my reality to accept Han’s death and needs time for introspection; moving to Japan requires active participation and decision making; and making choices for my long-term mental, emotional, and physical well-being demands resilience. This moment feels like it demands much of me, but I much prefer it to the state that I was in for years before this: survival. Likely, since the pandemic began, I have been narrow-minded in my view of my life and the world, looking deeply inward in ways that were necessary to get my family through the progressively dark cards that we have been dealt since 2020.

I have been working to bring my lightness to my mind. Letting the things I cannot control or that do not serve me slide off. Holding onto less negativity, less worry, less anxiety about the things in the world that don’t benefit from my attention. It’s hard, but a worthy journey. I feel some of the learnings from my yoga teacher training surfacing. Thinking about my attachments and how I want to hold them or let them hold me. Considering the idea of harm and thinking about how I might be choosing to harm myself or those I love most. There are a lot of limits to the power of my mind, but there is a lot of space where I can mold myself, mold my reactions, and mold my perspectives to help reinforce the kind of life that I think I want to have.

Some art, culture, and history to find new perspectives.

Being present or living in the moment is a little easier when we’re traveling, though it’s nearly impossible not to get lost in the future that could be sitting on the shinkansen (high-speed train) watching Japan fly by us, or I guess watching us fly through. But I do try to remind myself to appreciate the moments as they are. I’m loving sharing another little adventure with Mike in a place that feels so much more comfortable the second time around. I’m loving letting fun and whimsy find us and being open to change, seeing opportunities to experience new things and enthusiastically saying, “はい、ください!” or “Yes, please!”

A smattering of new experiences in Fukuoka. Learned how to serve myself tea at the conveyor belt sushi place, ate ice cream, ate curry, saw flowers, and went into tall towers.

We have been in Japan for nearly five days, and we have already packed in so many new experiences. We spent one night in Tokyo, three nights in Fukuoka, and one night in Osaka. In Fukuoka, we visited a giant reclining Buddha and surrounding shrines. We checked out the Fukuoka art museum and ate ramen. We wandered some of the shopping streets and malls and accidentally ran into what might have been a beauty pageant. A famous Japanese band called Southern All Stars had concerts two of the nights we were in Japan, and we got to see polite crowds line up to fill the PayPay Stadium. Yesterday we stopped in Kojima, the denim capital of Japan, and did some shopping. It was fun to see another city and spend some time enjoying the trains. We arrived in Osaka in a deluge of rain, hailed a taxi to our hotel, and ate in at our hotel, which left me falling asleep at 8 pm. The jet lag hits when it hits! The rest of our trip is packed with lots of nerdy fun - a day in Disney with a friend from college, Star Wars Celebration, and lunch with our friend Siki next week. Departure details tbd, but we’ll head back to Houston soon to prepare for our move to Japan.

Some shots from our trip to Kojima! Lots of funny denim images, tasty train sandwiches, and gray skies.

Some of these things feel easier here for sure. I have fewer attachments because I am still learning how things work here! I’m always surprised, but never surprised to be surprised. Being present in the moment is necessary to navigate the moment; I’m too tired to not pay attention or what is right in front of me. And I might be too tired to not take rest when I need it - I’m happy to have restful moments even if there is a world beckoning me to join it. It will be there later, and if I’m ready for it then, that’s when I will enjoy it. Traveling and navigating time here requires some thought, but it doesn’t feel like a burden.

I’m going to wrap it up, but before I do, I’ll share a show that Mike and I have started watching from NHK that you might enjoy too. It’s called Why did you come to Japan? There are some touching stories, as well as just silly and fun stories.

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My most recent post featured treasured memories of ranch walks with my free-range toddler. Han was fully glorious in Spring!