I like my job.

I’m teaching English in Japan and it’s pretty fun! It's not always easy.

You might be surprised to hear from me so soon! Well, I’m working on getting into a routine where I find more time to write. So here I am! Again. This time, during my two-hour break at work. I just finished eating lunch at a nice spot in Hakata Station called Soup Stock Tokyo. I have another hour before I have to head back to work. I’m getting better at using my time.

This is my 2nd day at Soup Stock Tokyo. The picture is a bowl of chicken curry, sesame rice, ginger pork soup, and iced tea. Perfect.

You might also be surprised to hear that I like my job after reading my last post. 

There are difficult things about returning to work that don’t really have much to do with the job or the work itself. I think I’d be reeling in any situation. I’m experiencing a dramatic shift in how I spend my time and the freedom in how I spend it. I’ve had five years of flexibility, and I think I enjoyed using my time the way I wanted to during that phase of my life. But I remember the feeling of time stretching out ahead of me in ways that sometimes felt bleak after Han died. Endless free time is not a gift when time is so difficult. That didn’t make it easier to let go of the freedom, but I do think it makes it easier to find some of the gifts in this change.

My business lady cosplay.

The work that fills my day is enjoyable. The way my company structures lessons provides a lot of structure so that lesson planning isn’t a burden. I feel like I can customize lessons to help my students meet their goals and enjoy themselves during the lessons. I’ve always loved teaching and helping other people, so I really feel like I can shine in my work and make a positive impact on the lives of my students. I’m getting to know so many Japanese people in so many different stages of life. I’ve got younger students who book lessons to imrpove their English for their studies or hobbies, professionals looking to add to their working skillset, travelers who want to get more out of their experiences abroad, and some people who love learning English just cause it’s so damn hard. Something I happily tell my students is that English and Japanese are two of the most different languages, which is why it’s so hard to learn! I’m learning so much about Japan in my lessons. It’s truly a gift.

And the ecosystem around the job has been good for me, too. I like the people that I’ve met - the company employs a combination of locals and foreigners, which makes for a fun working environment. Some of my colleagues have been in Japan doing this kind of work for decades. It’s nice to see people finding longevity here in this country as foreigners. I work weekends and evenings, so my most reliable exposure to other people is at work. Fortunately, it’s proven to be a nice place to meet new people who are at least happy to share a meal during break time. I might even be making a friend!

The hardest part of the job is working with kids. I don’t mind the older kids as much, but the young ones are tough. My school offers lessons for kids that are the age Han should be, and it’s hard not to see him in them, even though they couldn’t be more different. My managers have been understanding and scaled back the quantity of kids’ classes I have to teach, but there are still some days when it cannot be avoided. So far, I’ve just had a couple of kids’ classes sprinkled into my day. Usually, with kids who are a little older, it is a little easier. This weekend will be different. On Saturday, I will be teaching many kids’ classes - several of them will be with kids under the age of six. It will be immensely challenging to keep my composure around these very little ones. It’s unavoidable. So I’m working on coaching myself to have the resilience to face the day.

These are the things that I have in mind:

1. I’m allowed to eat ice cream during my break. My emotional food crutch these days is available at nearly every convenience store in Japan, and it’s there waiting for me if I need it. The konbini is beautiful.

   

   My favorite Vitamin C drink, next to my favorite ice cream treat - the monaka.

2. Does exposure therapy exist? I don’t know if it’s a great method or not, but for this weekend’s purposes, let’s pretend that there are benefits to exposing myself to triggers in a structured environment where I have a pretty good idea of what to expect.

3. This will be a great opportunity to engage my mindfulness muscles! Be in the moment, focus on the task at hand, and try to only let the present influence my emotions.

4. Preparation is a good idea! Make myself the master of the lessons that I am teaching and the material we’re covering. Learning new skills is great, and this is a great opportunity to beef up my ability to teach kids lessons.

5. It’s one day. I can survive anything for one day. This will not be the hardest day of my life, so I can bear this too.

That’s my toolkit! More things are bouncing around in my head - I’m already working on laying the groundwork for not teaching kids classes. Once I pass probation (three months), I can apply to not teach children anymore. Next week is the anniversary of Han’s death - July 9. I think I’m going to request an unpaid sick day that day. I want to spend time with Mike and avoid putting pressure on myself to perform that day. I’m thinking about how to best love and support myself in this new job. There are tools at my disposal, and I just need to be honest about needing them. I hate the idea of “playing the dead kid card,” but it’s not something that anyone expects me to act normal about – even my employer. I can be human and still be a good employee. Acknowledging my limits and setting clear expectations sets me and my team up for better things. These are new and different (and sometimes difficult!) waters for me to navigate.

So please! Send me strength and calm this Saturday, and feel free to text me (and Mike!) next week on July 9, either in our time zone or your time zone. I’ll cry, and you can too. Two years without the Hanimal is a shitty milestone.

One of my last nights with my son, Han. 🩵