What do you call a Kranzhin in LA?

First there was Bus 52, then there was #Chin2China and #SEAchin. Now what?

We’re still in Los Angeles. I posted the donation in Han’s name! Our dear friend and fellow pug mom Sarah donated as well. Thank you Sarah! Han was born the same day as my friend Ali’s baby and she signed up for a paid subscription too. Thank you Ali! I still owe a dedicated post about that, but I haven’t felt like writing it. Don’t rush me! It’ll happen! 

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My first taste of newsletters could arguably have been on Xanga or Myspace in Middle School when I wrote about my feelings and my life. On Bus 52 I had a more concrete and regular writing experience, but I wasn’t the one writing the stories. I wrote some blog posts. Amy and I made some Vlogs. It was a very fine time. At Uber, when I got my assignment in Beijing I sent a weekly email back to my team. I sent a version of it to family and friends too. And I kept it up when I went to Seattle. I loved these weekly check-ins with people I care about. During the pandemic, I wrote some long emails updating friends and family about life events. I played with creating videos and content with my Guy Fieri fan account on Instagram. I tried my hand at ranch and land management learning content. I’ve done a lot of dabbling.

And here, on Substack, I’ve been pouring my grief into my keyboard. Letting words come together on a computer screen. Weaving thoughts to try to parse through my own feelings. Keeping track of sequences of suffering and bouts of confusion. There are so many different hard feelings in grief to untangle. It’s exhausting. It has been said to me by multiple people that I will appreciate looking back on these days - reading these words and reflecting on how life grows and changes. I believe it. And writing is part of my self care and work that I need to do for my own mental and emotional well being. I’ve had a harder time writing, but I know that I always feel better after taking the time to compose my thoughts.

I’m familiar, and a believer in, two very different schools of thought when it comes to setting a personal goal.

Tell no one and just do it. You can tell them when you’re done. 

The thought behind this ethos is that by talking about it, you take away some of your personal power and energy towards the idea or task. By talking about it, you’re taking time and energy away from doing the actual thing. When you say that you’re going to do something, you’ve tricked yourself into thinking you're actually doing it when all you’ve done is talk.

Say it out loud. Tell everyone and be held accountable for your goals. 

Saying something is doing something. This idea is adjacent to manifesting things, you can make things happen by speaking them into existence. You create momentum, community, and support around your goal by sharing it with other people.

I think both can work! It’s probably no surprise that the second is definitely more in line with my personal working style. I’ve learned to ask for help and lean on the expertise of others! Why do things by yourself? Why create in a vacuum? Maybe there are times when I’ll take on something by myself, but I don’t think this is one of those times. I want to say exactly what I want to do in the universe. Maybe you all can help me.

I want to post three times a week here. WOW. We haven’t seen that kind of activity since our Grief Packing trip in Europe! 

The kind of writing that I want to do:

1. One Essay on Grief. I want to write about grief or grief-y things once a week - essays very similar to what I’ve been doing here so far. Explore how I’m feeling, write about how things are for us day to day. Be honest and vulnerable and explore what grief looks like for our little family.

2. One story about Han. This is for the paid subscribers or the people who ask for a free subscription. :) I want to start capturing these memories as they pop up and share them with friends, family, and loved ones. I have fallen off the wagon on writing these.

3.  Weekly Check In/Check List/Photos. I deleted the Instagram app off my phone last week! I didn’t delete my account, but I am taking a break from consuming so much social media. It’s been great! I don’t really miss it all that much. But I do miss sharing what we’re doing, where we’re going, and sharing some of the really mundane experiences of living with grief and without Han. 

4. Bonus: I started a Yoga Substack -  Amy Rose Flows! Why would I do that!? I bought a tripod to film classes on! I’m going to try to do something there too. I would love to create something there once every other week.

Han found it very easy to enjoy the Dumbo ride at Disney!

There are things that are always hard: 

• Watching videos where I know Han will say Mommy.

• Flying away from Mike.

• Stumbling upon unknown or unprocessed details of Han’s death.

• Talking about the future. 

There are things that have gotten easier

• Feeding myself.

• Moving my body.

• Spending time in the world.

• Being around babies and little people.

• Being gentle with myself. 

Then there are the things that feel so variable, specifically the writing. I find myself turning away from half written posts and doing anything but putting proverbial pen to paper. Some of that is okay, I have some projects and hobbies that I have found more interest in but I want to come back to writing.

I have something to say. I have maybe many, many things to say about what has happened to me. There is something here. There is something compelling about the community I have on Substack. There is something that is going to come out of this - I may not know what that is, but I think the only way to figure it out is by pushing through the creative process to find it. Even if it’s just something that makes me better and stronger.